Making Hard Decisions

Aaron and I met with our fertility doctor last Wednesday. He had given us a heads up that he might suggest Invitro and explain to us what it was exactly and the way they approached it. Well, since it has been 4 years he approved us for it. We rejected it. When we told the doctor we had ethical issues regarding it, he explained the procedure in more depth. He said he would also approve us, if we didn't want to go the Invitro route, for insemenation (which is what we did last year in July that failed). In the midst of his explanation though it bothered me that he said, "When the day is done, it doesn't matter because God will forgive you when it is all said and done." Now, I'm not saying Invitro is wrong because I can see arguements for both sides, but I totally couldn't believe someone could honestly live with this motto. Paul talks of this in Romans. Just because God forgives, doesn't mean we purposely go out and sin (if in fact this is a sin, I do not know). God blesses through it, but God also blessed through the union of David and Bathsheeba.

This is how the doctor explained the procedure:

1. 15 eggs would be taken from me in hopes that some combine with Aaron's sperm.
2. Out of those 15, lets say 6 combine.
3. 2 would be implanted in me in hopes that my body would carry the baby to term.
4. The other 4 would be frozen to be donated or used by me later.

My thoughts on the procedure:

1. What if 10 or more combine?
2. I don't ever want more than triplets. I would love twins or a singlet, but even triplets scare me.
3. What if, after the first pregnancy, we can get pregnant on our own?
4. Who would those other embroyos be donated to? Will it one day be made illegal to discreminate against lesbian couples trying to have children and our embroyos be donated to a lesbian couple?
5. In the long run, I would want to choose who my "children" were raised by. In my mind, it is the same as putting children up for adoption.
6. As I consider Invitro, all I can do is justify it in my mind. By not using the "extra" embroyos, I am killing a life. By not doing Invitro I am not giving a chance of life to what could be another human being. See, both sides of an argument. I do know that if I were to go forward with Invitro, I would always look back and wonder if I did the right thing? Do I have children floating around out in this great big world that I don't know about?
7. By not doing Invitro, I know that I can look back later in life and know that God had His hand on us and always will regardless if we never have children. I know that if God wants us to have children it will one day happen, rather it be through insemenation or adoption.

What I wrote about in December hit me harder than any other thing that has happened to us in this whole process. I have basically been calling God mean and unfair for the past month. I saw it as mean to make my period a week late and not be pregnant. Wanting children is a godly desire, but when I was in this month of rebellion I made it a fleshly desire. It became all about me and I was acting like a child. God has slowly been bringing me back and showing me I need to seek out wisdom and instruction above my own desires, even if they are godly desires. Yep, Proverbs Chapter One. I haven't gotten past verse 7 yet. I studied a little on Solomon in the midst of Proverbs 1.

In the midst of that December week of waiting and hoping, it made it seem that if I had become pregnant, all of the past 4 years was as a day. Maybe God was trying to show me something in that. ...AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS.