Blessed Be Your Name

The song "Blessed Be Your Name" has had great meaning in my life. Before Aaron & I were engaged, I had so many issues with getting attached. I had only dated very few times & all of them far from serious. One of the issues that came up was illnesses & death. I knew that in marrying him, there was a high possibility of getting attached & one day him dying on me. As morbid & ridiculous as that sounds, I thought about it. I thought about rather or not I wanted to hold to the vows of "death do us part." Maybe a lot of people don't think about this when dating, but I did. Here is the reason: Aaron's grandpa died of Parkison's & Aaron's dad has Parkison's. I researched & know that it runs through generations. I pray that it stops where it is at & by miracle of miracles Aaron's dad is healed of it. However, I thought deeply & cried out to God about Him giving me someone, only for Him to take Aaron away from me.

Now mind you, anything could happen to either of us at any time. I mean, heart stuff runs in my family. Never mind the car accidents & other such things that take lives instantly. Anyway, my mind started running rampid with all the ideas of what could happen. One day I was in the car driving & this song came on the radio.

BLESSED BE YOUR NAME
by Matt Redman

Blessed be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your Name

Blessed be Your Name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your Name

(Chorus)
Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name
(Chorus)

Blessed be Your Name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your Name

Blessed be Your Name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your Name

(Chorus)

(Refrain)
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your Name

The Lord truly does give and take away in His own timing. Somtimes I wonder though where the balance lies in acting on faith & waiting in faith. Sometimes it seems there is even an appropriate time to actively wait. Maybe that is where God has me at this particular time on this particular issue of not conceiving as of yet. I am becoming more emotionally balanced regarding this area of my life. Since visiting with my sister & meeting my little neice, my eyes are more open to the responsibility & the inadequacy of raising a child. However, my heart has not wavered in wanting children of our own. I have seen how God has given only to take away little ones through miscarriages, still births, etc. I don't understand it, but it is God's will that these things happen.

Yesterday I decided that I would actively be praying for a son. If God gives me a daughter, that would be cool too. Don't get me wrong, I have been praying & crying out. But I think there is a difference when one actively prays for something. When actively praying for something, there is faith involved. The kind of praying I've been doing gives up every month & is afraid of believing it could actually happen. I'm tired of that kind of prayer.

I'm praying to the Almighty God who does give & take away!!! He may not give to me this month or the next month or maybe even another year or ten. However, I am going to start believing that He will give to me. In times when my mind starts failing & my faith starts to waver, I am actively "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ" (2 Cor. 10:5). Every time I start to think upon this issue I am saying, "God, this is Yours, not Mine."

I have been thinking though, is it an ok thing to get tested or is that lacking faith? They won't test you until after a year, but I have decided to definitely hold off until a year and a half. We will see where God has me at that point & pray that God gives me some direction by then. It has been a year. God has been doing a work in my heart & for this I praise Him!