I Need a Place

Aaron and I have lived here now for 5 months (I guess it has only been 5 months, which isn't even a half of a year). I really struggle at times with new faces. I try so hard, but my hardest try amounts to nothing as to what I see where I should be at. I don't like new faces. I'm being honest here. I would much rather see faces that I have seen 10,000 times before than see one face I do not recognize. I don't like introducing myself. I hate trying to make conversation. Why can't there just be immediate friendship? Let's skip past the "How do you do" and let me find out what makes you tick. I don't care about the weather, but I care about what you think & believe. Is it an American thing to not know your neighbor or even the person standing next to you in the church you attend?

I want to know more than your name & where you work. I think what others don't realize is that when I ask those simple questions of a stranger it takes all my energy. I love people who just carry the conversation in order that I can learn more about the individual. I don't like having to dig up the goods. I think what it might boil down to is that I would rather be the one hiding the goods, & someone else to do the digging if they want to find out more about me. But then, that makes me wonder if a person actually cares or are they just trying to make conversation?

Lately, I've been wondering why God would make a Christian as someone who doesn't like new faces. I much prefer the deep conversations & thoughtful observations that only comes with old faces. I think all my life I see the perfect Christian as someone who talks to anyone they meet on the street, a person who can strike up a conversation with a toad, a person who can minister to the street bum hiding behind the dumpster. I can not be that person. I was not created that way. In my ideal world, the bum would have to enter into my world a little bit as to not make me frightened. Once a trust level was gained, I would have the bum over for dinner. Not just once, but ten dozen times. After that ten dozen times, than I might share myself with that person. Eventually, I might invite them to small group, talk to them about the gospel, etc. However, in the real world it is the first step I struggle with the most. The part where I would have to enter their world.

One thing for sure though about me and you can ask my close friends: Once you have my trust & friendship gained, you won't be able to get rid of me very easily. My step-dad described me at one time as long-suffering. When my friends suffer, I suffer in my heart. I can't help but feel their pain. In the past I have compared it to the friendship between David & Jonathan (1 Sam. 20:17).

As I think upon my past & where I am now, I can't help but think of the times I have been hurt. We've all been hurt by others. The times where it hurts the most though is when I don't have a friend to share it with or it was a friend who turned their back on me. I've only had one friend turn their back on me & we have since made amends & went our own way.

I do struggle with making friends now because I just think everyone should be close friends. I don't understand how it is that I could grow up in a church, meeting weekly with other believers in the church, struggling to stay in the church because I have no close friends my age, fight so hard to have relationships in the church and then I get married leaving the church & not a single person has called, wrote, etc. I tried in the beginning to keep the relationships going, but it hurt too much to not have it returned. It wore me out. I made a decision, right or wrong, not long ago that I wouldn't have any more one-sided friendships unless the person was a non-believer.

How in the future am I to know if a person will forever be a close friend or not? Why bother being friends at all if it only turns out to be aquaintances? It hurts to try and get connected here, because I know that we will be moving again in around 3 years & when we move it will be like we were never here. It takes all my energy to get to know one person, let alone a whole sea of faces.

Have you ever went to a group or church function & wondered what happened to "so-n-so?" You don't know exactly when they left, but all of a sudden you realize they are gone? At one time, you were even good friends with this person? Well, I feel that will be us in three years when we leave this area. People will go down a list of people they once knew & maybe even talk about what became of them, but then that will be it. There will be no continuing friendship, no telephone calls, no letters that say they are thinking of us, etc.

I move on in life, knowing I have very dear friends back home that will never be lost. At the same time though, it would be nice to have at least one close friend nearby that I can call on a Friday night to bake cookies with me or watch a movie. A friend to giggle with, laugh with, have deep conversations with, walk with, & really know on a more personal level. As I think about it, this is the first time in my life where I have no friend like that close by. It is no wonder I struggle. God has truly spoiled me in the past with close friends.

Sometimes I wonder if close friends are harder to gain once you get married? Since marriage, I have made a few friends, but only in a couples way. Once again, not that real deep personal depth. Aaron is my best friend, but sometimes I just need a girlfriend. I guess you could pray for me & that God would provide that need within me.

Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far in my ramblings.